Alzheimers...I just want it to be over.

My Dad informed me recently that my mother is beginning to move now into a fetal position. As Alzheimers continues it’s devastating course...

I can't bring myself to witness this, it's something I don't want to remember, though I know it's inevitable.

I find myself running to a happier time, like when she and my grandmother drove me all the way to California from Florida to begin a new life, when I was a young girl in my early 20's. She's always been there for me through it all! 

As I sit here on the beach this morning looking out over the ocean, remembering. I reflect on that California trek we made together. One of my favorite memories is one where we shared a precious meal together at the Narrow Gauge Inn, right in the heart of the Sierras near Yosemite. ... I can still hear the folky classical, music that played as we sat together in this lovely setting, looking out a picturesque window at the majestic Sierra Nevada mountains, that were layered in the brilliant colors of the setting sun. The last rays cast a golden glow on everything. It was magical.

...Just she and I sharing this moment. 

We knew our impending separation was at hand and very soon she would be leaving me in this new place to begin a new life and she returning to Florida to carry on hers. But for now time stood still for us in this special little piece of heaven on earth. We talked and laughed and cried as we sat together. We talked about our hopes for what lay ahead for me, my apprehensions about living in a new place. She listened. She encouraged. She tried to ease my fears. Her words filling me with hope as we shared our last meal together for awhile.

 I will never forget that moment with her...ever. 

 I remember the next day hugging her pillow, like I was a little girl again, in our hotel room as she flew away from me...it was time to face my new life, to put my big girl panties on and move forward.  Yet I hugged that pillow even tighter... I breathed in her fragrance, I breathed in her words, I breathed in her love. I held onto her.

 I look back at this time, now through my own mothering lens and wonder how hard it must have been, how difficult for her to let me go. And yet she did. 

My mind and heart return to that sweet little Inn at the oddest times, like this morning. Maybe it's my dads sad news that caused me to return there...

So I sit here on the beach this morning looking out at this picturesque expanse of sea and I ache. My heart cries out to God. I ask him to please give my mom courage to let go of this life and embrace the next one, the one she always told me about and hoped beyond all hope in
                                     ...our eternal home.

 ...where there is rest for our troubled souls and broken bodies and peace with our loving creator. 

               and in my heart of hearts I pray, 
                               Please bring her home to you.